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I remember that night. It was about two years ago. You were trying to explain to me how much you love me. You were trying to explain that you’re doing this because you love me. 

But if you loved me, you wouldn’t want to see me hurt like this. If you loved me, you wouldn’t want to see me so broken. 

I just thought “what if I’m never happy?”, but then I realized that I was. For a good few months. Well, I’m not sure if you would call it happy. I was content. I wasn’t miserable. I didn’t have this hole in my heart like I do now. I wasn’t constantly crying. I wasn’t in pain. 

I want that back. Charlie or no Charlie, I want that feeling back. 

I can’t go a single day without thinking about him.

I don’t even understand why. He hurt me. He hurt me a lot but it shouldn’t have hurt so that’s my own fault….. but I still love him.

I don’t know if I constantly hold on to him because I’m afraid I’ll never find someone like him again. I don’t know if I’m genuinely in love with him. All I know is that my heart is in pain, and I miss the sound of his voice, and how big his smile gets when he sees me. 

Last night sucked. I’m pretty much back to my old self and I don’t know what to do about it.

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I’m so ready to move on from my past.

From Yishai, Sammy, Charlie, and James,

From Aleks, Nathan, and Justin,

From Julia, Zach, Alex, and Tobi,

And especially from Robbie.

I’m going to see Kendall in 39 days…. let’s see where that takes us.

He’s going to be better than Yishai, Sammy, Charlie, and James because he won’t force me to do anything I don’t want to do.

He’s going to be better than Aleks, Nathan, and Justin, because things will actually continue.

He’s going to be better than Julia, Zach, Alex, and Tobi, because he won’t cheat on me or doubt my love.

He’s going to be better than Robbie because he knows that no means no.

I hate looking in the mirror.

Even with all the weight I lost, I still feel fat. Disgustingly fat. Which I know I am.

That’s the one thing I missed about Charlie. He didn’t care. 

It sucks that every other human being finds me ugly just because I weigh more than I should. I wish they could see me like Charlie saw me.

I wish I could see myself the way Charlie saw me.

Can it just be last night again?

Charlie was telling me everything I’ve ever done wrong, but then he called me on skype. He saw my face, and he smiled. It takes a lot for him to smile.

There were still tears falling down my cheek. My eyes were red and puffy. 

He called me beautiful.

I stopped crying. I closed my eyes and breathed. I opened them and still saw his face there.

He kept telling me that he’s missed my smile. And he told me multiple times not to do anything I don’t want to do.

He’s never said that before. He’s always forced me to do what I don’t want to do. That was all that our relationship was.

He told me not to stop smiling.

He called me beautiful again.

I started crying again. He asked why.

I told him I wish I saw myself the way that he sees me.

I know why I was crying last night. I know what was wrong.

Yours Truly was the first song that ever made me feel. The first few times that I heard it, I knew there was something about the song, but I didn’t know what. Eventually, I figured it out. 

The same thing happened yesterday. 

I watched American Idol and loved Colton as usual, so I bought his song. I was listening to it. On repeat. I broke down. I wasn’t paying attention to the words, I was just listening to the music. The piano. The violin. His voice.

I texted Charlie. I didn’t think much of it. I haven’t talked to him in a while. He doesn’t like me. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. 

He responded.

He was yelling at me. He was telling me everything that’s wrong with me.

I looked up the lyrics to Love The Way You Lie Part III. 

Now there’s gravel in our voices
Glasses shattered from the fight
In this tug of war you always win
Even when I’m right”

This was my relationship with Charlie. I kept going back to him time after time. It makes sense now.

I see him as the only guy who has ever cared about me. Sometimes I think he’s the only guy who ever will.

The only guys who seem to like me are exactly the same.

Yishai, Sammy, and Charlie. None of them cared about my weight. They all actually found my weight/size sexy. All three of them were/are horny little bastards. They all only thought about sex, and that was their way of showing their love. I’ve tried to leave all three and they made excuses to make me stay. 

All three genuinely cared for me. No one else ever has. But I would never want to spend the rest of my life with any of them… even Yishai…

I hate these thoughts… It’s like every part of my life that I remember was a lie…

This finally makes sense.

There’s finally someone in my life who cares about me… I’m still not sure if I ever loved him, or if I was just looking for someone to love me, but he was there.

I always doubted him. I never thought he actually loved me because the way he was treating me wasn’t what I always thought ‘love’ was. 

He kicked me out of his life. He never gave me a reason, he just blocked me on Skype and told me to stop calling him. No matter how many times I tried to ‘fix’ this ‘issue’, he would just get mad.

I texted him today. I told him that I missed him. He told me to stop talking to him. I tried to convince him that I’ve changed, he tried to convince me that I don’t love him. He finally admitted “You don’t make dealing with your bullshit worth it. You want everything but don’t give me anything. You’ve never given me a reason to stick around”… That was the first time that he’s said more than “stop talking to me” or “you don’t love me”.

I told him I would delete his number, but then he started asking me questions. Questions that I didn’t have answers to.

Eventually, he said what I always wanted him to say but I thought he never would. I never expected him to say anything like it because I thought I knew it wasn’t true, but apparently it is.

"How many times have we gotten in some sort of fight about anything? If you weren’t around me, would you get hurt the same way? Now you tell me who loves who."

And of course, him saying that makes him perfect…

It’s so nice finding out that a whole relationship is a lie.

"You’re an ugly bitch from hell" Where were these words when you told me you love me? What about when you called me gorgeous? Where the fuck were these words when you constantly wanted me back?

"You know I would be happier with a door than you. But who needs a door when you have the perfect girlfriend?" Alright, so you’ve been with this girl since… oh, since we were together? So you were cheating on me. Okay…

Well, this is nice to know!

I shouldn’t have to deal with this shit!

Oh yeah, and Charlie, WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU WHEN I ALMOST FUCKING KILLED MYSELF THE OTHER NIGHT??? Oh yeah, I remember! I got a text from you saying “I’m drunk”. It’s so nice to know that you care.

Earlier today, Charlie completely shut me out of his life.

I’m fine with it. I mean, I knew it would happen sooner or later…

I wonder if the reason I’m so okay with it is because of Brandon.

Who’s Brandon? I’ll tell you.

So there’s an iPhone app called SongChat. I decided I wanted to talk to random people one day, so I downloaded it. I started talking to a few people who seemed to have good music taste, and he was one of them. We got into a really good conversation and eventually realized that we had a lot in common.

  • He only lives an hour away
  • He loves to cook
  • He wants to go to JWU
  • He wants to join the army
  • He wants to move to Israel with me

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY FUCKING LIFE????

I don’t want to go as far as to say that he’s perfect, but in all reality, he is. (Btw, all of these things (except for moving to Israel) he mentioned before I did) 

Benzi. Charlie. Yishai. Kendall. Julia…

No matter what kind of shit any of these people put me through, I will still always love them because of the one thing that makes them perfect.

Why?

Charlie just told me he loves me…

I was talking to Charlie last night.

He knows that I don’t like him, and he always mentions it. It’s actually starting to really bother me, so I said this:

"I don’t like you because you aren’t Benzi. Because you never stayed up with me until the sun came up just to make sure I don’t hurt myself. Because you never told me all of your secrets including (something I’m not going to post on a public website). Because I haven’t known you since I was 7. Because I have no inside jokes with you. Because you don’t make up lame excuses like ‘you’re not religious enough’. You’re just not him."

He responded “Congrats. I never will be him.”

When he said that, it made me feel like a complete douche.

I am attracted to him, and I do like him a lot… just not enough.