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I love listening to Goodnight Moon as I fall asleep.

slambb:

It reminds me of Kendall and that night I asked him to sing me to sleep… and he did with this song. 

Kendall’s one of the best people who has ever entered my life. He’s been with me through pretty much everything in the past three years. He makes me feel invincible, like I can conquer any problem that stands in the way of my dreams. He knows that I’m better than my lowest point, even when I can’t see it. He pushes me farther than I push myself. He knows I’m better than I think I am. He loves me more than I’ll ever be able to love myself, but he’s also helping me start to love myself.

He represents everything good in my life, and everything that I can make better. 

I hate listening to Goodnight Moon. 

I sit here and I cry. I think about every lie. Every fake smile. Every kiss that didn’t mean anything.

Kendall’s one of the worst people that’s ever entered my life. He’s been with me through pretty much everything in the past three years, but I’m not sure he wanted to be. He only makes me feel invincible when he’s in a good mood, which is almost never. The other times, he tears me down to nothing. He makes sure I know that he has it worse. But he’ll never talk about it. He pushes me away. He’s never loved me. 

It was supposed to be a happy ending, but neither of us are happy.

I fucking love Mary so much

We had our breaks at the same time, so she started complaining about her boyfriend, and to change the topic, she asked me if I’ve gotten a hold of mine yet. See, she doesn’t believe Kendall and I should have whatever we have if we’re not dating, especially since it’s been going on for so long. She finally got through to me, and I just sent him this text:

She thinks you’re an immature baby for not wanting to be in a relationship and she thinks that I need to step up and do it myself. I agree with her on that, so I’m just letting you know that you ARE my boyfriend. I don’t really give a fuck what you have to say about it, the only way that it will change is if it changes completely. If you don’t want the label, don’t be with me at all.

Damn it feels good……..

I think I finally understand what I’m looking for.

He told me that I need to love myself, and I asked him what there is to love. All he said was “you when you’re not like this”

I wanted a real answer. 

If he asked the same question, I have countless answers if he had asked the same thing. He didn’t even have one.

Why do I care? Why do I still try?

Last night sucked. I’m pretty much back to my old self and I don’t know what to do about it.

Read More

Things that I recently learned:

  • Don’t have sex just to get your first time over with
  • Don’t pretend you love someone just because you know you’ll never find anything better

I was molested when I was 15.

It took me 3 fucking years to trust someone after that.

It only took me one day to regret what I did with him.

I’m asking him to convince me that it wasn’t a mistake.

So he asked me if I love him. This is the most difficult question I’ve ever been asked.

I’m starting to regret it.

The whole trip. We all know the 21st was the worst day ever, but not many people know the details.

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I wish I could have a redo.

Kinda like my first kiss…… it wasn’t what I wanted or expected it to be, so I don’t count it as such. I was just expecting….. something else.

If anyone ever asks me the story of when/how I lost my virginity, I will most likely lie to them…………. then again, it’s not quite a question that’s asked often. It was far from perfection. I don’t regret it, which is the best part of it, I just wish it had happened differently.

  • Me:
    *listening to Home*
  • Kendall:
    Can Sam play the drums?
  • Me:
    No
  • Kendall:
    Well, can he learn?
  • Me:
    No, they already have Lucas
  • Kendall:
    I want him to join my band. It's gonna be me, Sam Miller, Justin Timberlake, and Avril Lavigne. It's called Four Soulful White Men
  • Me:
    Avril is a woman and you're black.
  • Kendall:
    No! Adam! And I'm the whitest black guy you'll ever meet

  • Kendall:
    Alright, dude, I'm gonna go to sleep
  • Me:
    Did you really just call me dude?
  • Kendall:
    Sweet darling angel

  • Me:
    I'm fat
  • Kendall:
    That's a trick question
  • Me:
    It's not a question, it's a statement
  • Kendall:
    You're not fat.
  • Me:
    Yes I am.... well, I'm not fat.... but I'm not skinny either
  • Kendall:
    I'm not a squirrel, and I'm not a dolphin either, but I manage to survive.

Love has to be the most complicated, yet simple, thing in the world.

Read More

I love listening to Goodnight Moon as I fall asleep.

It reminds me of Kendall and that night I asked him to sing me to sleep… and he did with this song. 

Kendall’s one of the best people who has ever entered my life. He’s been with me through pretty much everything in the past three years. He makes me feel invincible, like I can conquer any problem that stands in the way of my dreams. He knows that I’m better than my lowest point, even when I can’t see it. He pushes me farther than I push myself. He knows I’m better than I think I am. He loves me more than I’ll ever be able to love myself, but he’s also helping me start to love myself.

He represents everything good in my life, and everything that I can make better. 

You can’t tell me you weren’t 18 once.

You can’t tell me you never loved someone.

You can’t tell me you’ve never missed someone so much that all you want to do is hug them for a few hours.

You can’t tell me that you’ve never just wanted to crawl into bed with someone and fall asleep, nothing sexual needed.

You can’t tell me that you can’t trust me because I’ve given you so many reasons to. 

You can’t blame this on Robbie. Him and what he did ruined my life enough, I don’t need your constant reminders of it.

You can’t control my life anymore. I don’t care if I’m your baby. I don’t care if you just don’t want to watch me grow up. I don’t care if you think I’ll come home pregnant. News flash: WE’VE FUCKING TALKED ABOUT THIS. WE AREN’T GOING TO HAVE SEX. I FEEL LIKE IT WOULD BE RUSHED AND I’M NOT ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING I’M NOT READY TO DO OR SOMETHING I’LL REGRET. HE AGREES. YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THAT. 

I trust him. I don’t trust anyone sexually but I trust Kendall and you should give me that. 

I just want to fall asleep in his arms. There’s nothing wrong with that.