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I’ve only told this to one person before. (tw: abuse, rape, molestation)

I’ve told only him because I trusted him with my life.

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I’m so ready to move on from my past.

From Yishai, Sammy, Charlie, and James,

From Aleks, Nathan, and Justin,

From Julia, Zach, Alex, and Tobi,

And especially from Robbie.

I’m going to see Kendall in 39 days…. let’s see where that takes us.

He’s going to be better than Yishai, Sammy, Charlie, and James because he won’t force me to do anything I don’t want to do.

He’s going to be better than Aleks, Nathan, and Justin, because things will actually continue.

He’s going to be better than Julia, Zach, Alex, and Tobi, because he won’t cheat on me or doubt my love.

He’s going to be better than Robbie because he knows that no means no.

ali-cattt asked: whatever you are going through, i sincerely hope it gets better <3 you are beautiful, and no one should be able to being you down. And if sam or samuel (sorry i dont want to write it wrong) cannot see that then he was never really was your friend before. I know this may be hard.. but you will get through it, look on the bright side.. tomorrow is another day :) and i promise it will all get better

Sammy. He was never my friend. 

We went to the same camp, but different years. He noticed that I commented on a mutual friend’s status one day, and messaged me saying that I was cute. Me, never have gotten any compliments from anyone other than family, took it. We continued talking until he asked me out. He lives in a different state, but I was pretty used to long distance relationships, so I said yes. 

It turned into him wanting sex and me being a few states away. He wanted me to send him pictures. He wanted me to send him videos. He would call me [and wake me up] at 1 AM saying “make me cum”. I couldn’t do it. See, I’m someone who doesn’t mind doing things in person. I’m a sexual person…. just not over the phone or the internet. With each time I said no, he would threaten something else. “I’ll never speak to you again” “I’ll go fuck my ex” and eventually “I’ll rape this girl”.

He never meant that last one, but hearing it was still hard, especially having been molested and almost raped once… and he knew that.

Eventually, he realized what he was doing. He realized that he was hurting me. We actually had to stop talking at this point, for both of us.

A year later, he texted me. He changed completely. We talked for a few hours… everything was perfect. Everything was how it originally was. Then he went back to wanting things from me. He decided we had to stop talking again.

He made me feel wanted. He made me feel like I actually mattered in this world. He made me feel like I meant something.

Now you all know my secret.

And Sam/Samuel is a completely different person. 

I’m so fucking confused.

Benzi is being all “I wanna fuck you” which he’s never said before. He’s always been all “I’m saving myself until marriage” and whatnot, so I’m not quite sure what changed but I honestly don’t like it. 

While Sammy is being all “I love you, but you’re making my life terrible and I’ve been doing more drugs since I started talking to you but I really want to cuddle with you right now and be the cutest boyfriend you’ve ever had. Why can’t you make me happy?” 

I really wish I could just have normal conversations with both of them…

To a degree, we’re just picking up where we left off.

But at the same time, not at all…

But… Sammy… holy fuck…

He’s nothing like he was last year. Not at all.

He doesn’t want to be like that anymore, and I can see that clearly. He’s trying. He’s trying so fucking hard and it’s so amazing… and he’s… he’s making me fall for him again and I don’t want to get hurt like I did last year.

UGH I HATE EVERY HUMAN WITH A PENIS.

The only guys who seem to like me are exactly the same.

Yishai, Sammy, and Charlie. None of them cared about my weight. They all actually found my weight/size sexy. All three of them were/are horny little bastards. They all only thought about sex, and that was their way of showing their love. I’ve tried to leave all three and they made excuses to make me stay. 

All three genuinely cared for me. No one else ever has. But I would never want to spend the rest of my life with any of them… even Yishai…

I hate these thoughts… It’s like every part of my life that I remember was a lie…

Fuck my life.

I’m going to fall for you again, even though I know what you turn into.

I hate you so much… but only when you’re like that… but right now you’re so perfect…

Hey, at least he admits it!

  • Sammy:
    how's (insert name of crush here)
  • Me:
    how do you know his name?
  • Sammy:
    I stalk you.

Sammy and Yishai…