It's impossible to fly without wind on your wings - Paradise Fears
I don’t understand the people who say that they go through life without regrets.
I have a shitload of regrets. My whole fucking childhood is one giant regret.
But let’s just start with Justin.
I was probably the horniest 15 year old on this planet that didn’t have a penis, so of course if I’m on a bus at night with a guy I like and my boyfriend is on another bus and I have no possible way of seeing him and this other guy that I like is sitting right next to me practically begging to kiss me, I’m going to let him…. and later have my boyfriend find out about it and get shit from him (which I totally deserved).
Then Robbie. Everything about Robbie.
Were his fucking “Robbie hugs” not a huge enough clue that he was going to try to rape me one day? I mean, every time he hugged me he practically tried to. But January 31st, 2009…. I doubt I’ll ever forget that day, but I try my best to.
That one fucking bus ride. To be completely honest, I would rather forget about that than Robbie molesting me. But no, Kendall won’t fucking let me forget that. Ever.
I had absolutely no reason to hate Amanda but I did anyway because she was taking my place. I suddenly meant nothing to him anymore. We never spoke unless I initiated the conversation, and when we did, all he would talk about was her. I missed my best friend and had no one else. But I lost him, and really had no one else.
I wish we were still best friends. I wish we still skyped all the time. I wish we even texted every once in a while. I miss him. I miss having someone who understood me to the degree that he did. I miss having someone who would laugh at how lame I was without actually making fun of it. I miss having someone to have lunch with, even if it was via the internet. I miss him randomly breaking out his guitar in the middle of a conversation. I miss everything and would do anything to get it back. But I’ve tried. It didn’t work. He’ll always hate me.
I’m so ready to move on from my past.
From Yishai, Sammy, Charlie, and James,
From Aleks, Nathan, and Justin,
From Julia, Zach, Alex, and Tobi,
And especially from Robbie.
I’m going to see Kendall in 39 days…. let’s see where that takes us.
He’s going to be better than Yishai, Sammy, Charlie, and James because he won’t force me to do anything I don’t want to do.
He’s going to be better than Aleks, Nathan, and Justin, because things will actually continue.
He’s going to be better than Julia, Zach, Alex, and Tobi, because he won’t cheat on me or doubt my love.
He’s going to be better than Robbie because he knows that no means no.