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Take me back to the night we met. 

Just sitting in the back seat of his car, his hand gently stroking my leg. I’ve never felt so safe in somebody’s arms. 

That goodbye kiss really topped off the night. I wasn’t expecting much out of meeting him, but that kiss told me that there was more to come. 

But what about that vacation you wanted to go on in June? You found it funny when I told you “You never make plans with a girl further in the future than the amount of time youve been going out”, and you said you’d ask me again in a month. 

He’s a good kid, just obviously not for me. 

Apparently Shayne’s ex has been stalking my tumblr a bit

HEY RACHEL, I don’t really know you so I’m not gonna be too mean because all I know is shit I’ve heard about you (none of it was good though so I don’t know maybe I can be mean? Nah. Maybe another day.)

But Shayne and I are not friends anymore. From what I understand, the only people he cares about is his little demon child of a girlfriend and the little demon child growing inside of his little demon child of a girlfriend. His little demon child of a girlfriend is actually pretty sweet, though. I still don’t like her but she’s adorable. It might just be the fact that she’s 12, though. I don’t now, I’ll let you know in a week. And the demon child growing inside of her probably isn’t all that bad either. Who knows? And honestly, who cares.

Look, he’s out of both of our lives, so I completely see where you might be coming from with whatever you might have coming …….. did that make sense? In other words, I feel ya, gurl. Kinda. You fucked up. I didn’t. But that’s not the point. We don’t talk anymore. We haven’t for months, so there’s nothing to find on my page. Let go. 

ps, I think your name is Rachel. Sorry if it’s not.

I was diagnosed with depression in 6th grade.

Through 8th grade, I was calling myself “the happiest depressed person I know”, but in 8th grade it really started showing. I always bottled it up inside but gave subtle clues out that I needed help. When no one was there to help me, I would try to help myself. And it didn’t work. Day after day it wouldn’t work but finally, around August, it’s worked.

I’m not happy. I’m still far from it, but I’m not suck in that state that I used to be. I don’t really know what it is. I don’t know if it’s that I’ve shut all the toxic people out of my life. I don’t know if it’s that I’ve shut out all the people that I was always dependent on *cough* Shayne *cough*, but I’m so fucking proud of where I’m at right now and so excited to keep moving forward.

My biggest fear is my body.

I mean, I know that’s the reason why Andrew was suddenly not attracted to me…. 

Okay, let me start from the beginning. 

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I have no idea what’s going on with him. And I’m scared.

I’m not scared that he’ll handle it in the wrong way or won’t be able to handle it. He’s been through worse, so I fully believe he’ll be able to overcome whatever this is.

I’m scared that I’m going to lose a friendship. He knows I’m here. He knows I’ll be here. But that doesn’t guarantee he’ll come back. Yeah, that’s selfish, but I know he’s going to be okay. I don’t know if I will be, though. 

For the longest time, I was afraid of sex.

It took me almost 19 years to not be afraid. And then for a brief moment, I wasn’t afraid anymore, and I took a chance… well, two chances. The second chance was also a risk… and it made me even more afraid of sex.

He was stupid to have forced it on me, and I was stupid to have agreed to it. I’m scared out of my mind.

But I need to calm down and stop stressing out so much because stress can cause missed periods, and has caused me multiple missed periods and if I miss my period, I’m going to go fucking mental. 

Everything’s going to be okay.

I wish I could have a redo.

Kinda like my first kiss…… it wasn’t what I wanted or expected it to be, so I don’t count it as such. I was just expecting….. something else.

If anyone ever asks me the story of when/how I lost my virginity, I will most likely lie to them…………. then again, it’s not quite a question that’s asked often. It was far from perfection. I don’t regret it, which is the best part of it, I just wish it had happened differently.

It’s difficult not to compare yourself to others.

I believe it’s something that shouldn’t be done because I believe art is a gift and a talent, not something that can be taught.

Ever since the show the other night, I’ve been tracking the Mayday Parade and the The Maine tags on tumblr. I’m stumbling upon multiple pictures from the 27th - the night I was there. There are some pictures that I really like and wish I captured, and there are others that I’m curious as to why they’re being published publicly. 

There’s actually one in particular. I even mentioned it to Shayne earlier today, and he bluntly told me that I won. While I never thought of it as a battle or war, looking at it now, I did win… at least this round. 

I’m so ready for round two, the rest of my career, and the rest of my life. 

I love knowing what I want to do with my life and knowing that I’m good at it.

It takes a lot for me to apologize.

When I know I did something wrong, it’s hard for me to admit it because to me, it’s like admitting defeat. 

That being said, if I’ve ever apologized to you, you should know how important you are for me to have pushed myself to do so.

I almost killed myself just now.

I knew this was bound to happen sooner or later… and I was hoping for later.

I hate it.

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I almost ran over a child today.

It was scary as fuck, and I can honestly say that I did nothing wrong in the situation.

I was at shoppers world, and I was pulling out of the main parking lot area into the outer road thing, and of course I looked both ways to make sure no cars were coming, and I checked the crosswalk that was right there to make sure no one was crossing. I didn’t see anyone there, so I started going. Also note that there was a car parked right in front of the crosswalk, so it’s not really the easiest thing to see if anyone is at the crosswalk, but of course you go slowly just in case someone is there.

I then see a child, about 4 years old, run into the middle of the road. I stop short, no more than 3 or 4 feet away from this little boy. The father then runs into the middle of the road, grabs his child’s arm, pulls him back to the side of the road, starts yelling at me, the wife then starts walking and starts yelling at me, they cross the street, I’m in complete shock and terror. Once they walked away, I was in complete tears…. but everyone is okay. The parents are probably still in as much shock as I am, but it will pass…. at some point…. I hope….

I have to say, this isn’t even bothering me.

There’s so much sly digging all over the place and hate in general and then throwing Mean Girls quotes in as they please and apparently the members of Paradise Fears don’t even like me…. yeah, because I bet they gossip about me to you in their free time. But this is the first time that it hasn’t put any sort of emotional strain on me. 

I guess I realize that I’m better than that, and it just comes back to the one thing - these people are children who need to grow up. Guess what? We aren’t in middle school anymore. Most of these girls are in high school, so in theory, they should get passed this stage of their life, but I’m honestly not patient enough to wait around and see if/when they do.

I’m honestly really proud of myself, though. In all honesty. At this point, there’s usually blood dripping from my arms, legs, or various other parts of me, I’m crying so much that it’s at the point where I can no longer cry silently, my parents are wondering what’s wrong but I never want to tell them because they end up wanting to call parents and getting them involved in their child’s behavior and I don’t need to deal with that…. Anyway, usually my depression and anxiety gets the best of me and it hasn’t in the slightest with this. It makes me really happy that I’m able to brush all of this off. 

Let’s put this all out in the open….

  • You ‘own’ a media site
  • You do nothing on that site other than change the layout and … I’m making this one a separate bullet point
  • You use your father to sneak you into concerts so that you can photograph them
  • You’re 16, but look and act like you’re 12
  • You have friends who are older than you who act the same age as you do, and it makes me question if you’ll ever mature.
  • I joined your site and did about 99% of the work on it
  • You refused to give me the title that I asked for and/or deserved
  • I told you I was going to go into this business with or with out you
  • You never changed
  • I left your site
  • You continued to ask me for help with your site after I left it because you realized you don’t know how to do it on your own
  • You started getting bitter when I told you that I wasn’t going to help you
  • You emailed PRs telling them not to let me get a photo pass or interviews
  • You sabotaged my changes of getting somewhere
  • I called you out of a few of these points, you get your friends to call me out on “targeting a 16 year old”

This is my dream and I will get somewhere in this business….. you doing what you’re doing probably will not.