It took me almost 19 years to not be afraid. And then for a brief moment, I wasn’t afraid anymore, and I took a chance… well, two chances. The second chance was also a risk… and it made me even more afraid of sex.

He was stupid to have forced it on me, and I was stupid to have agreed to it. I’m scared out of my mind.

But I need to calm down and stop stressing out so much because stress can cause missed periods, and has caused me multiple missed periods and if I miss my period, I’m going to go fucking mental. 

Everything’s going to be okay.

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Kinda like my first kiss…… it wasn’t what I wanted or expected it to be, so I don’t count it as such. I was just expecting….. something else.

If anyone ever asks me the story of when/how I lost my virginity, I will most likely lie to them…………. then again, it’s not quite a question that’s asked often. It was far from perfection. I don’t regret it, which is the best part of it, I just wish it had happened differently.

I believe it’s something that shouldn’t be done because I believe art is a gift and a talent, not something that can be taught.

Ever since the show the other night, I’ve been tracking the Mayday Parade and the The Maine tags on tumblr. I’m stumbling upon multiple pictures from the 27th - the night I was there. There are some pictures that I really like and wish I captured, and there are others that I’m curious as to why they’re being published publicly. 

There’s actually one in particular. I even mentioned it to Shayne earlier today, and he bluntly told me that I won. While I never thought of it as a battle or war, looking at it now, I did win… at least this round. 

I’m so ready for round two, the rest of my career, and the rest of my life. 

I love knowing what I want to do with my life and knowing that I’m good at it.

When I know I did something wrong, it’s hard for me to admit it because to me, it’s like admitting defeat. 

That being said, if I’ve ever apologized to you, you should know how important you are for me to have pushed myself to do so.

I knew this was bound to happen sooner or later… and I was hoping for later.

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It was scary as fuck, and I can honestly say that I did nothing wrong in the situation.

I was at shoppers world, and I was pulling out of the main parking lot area into the outer road thing, and of course I looked both ways to make sure no cars were coming, and I checked the crosswalk that was right there to make sure no one was crossing. I didn’t see anyone there, so I started going. Also note that there was a car parked right in front of the crosswalk, so it’s not really the easiest thing to see if anyone is at the crosswalk, but of course you go slowly just in case someone is there.

I then see a child, about 4 years old, run into the middle of the road. I stop short, no more than 3 or 4 feet away from this little boy. The father then runs into the middle of the road, grabs his child’s arm, pulls him back to the side of the road, starts yelling at me, the wife then starts walking and starts yelling at me, they cross the street, I’m in complete shock and terror. Once they walked away, I was in complete tears…. but everyone is okay. The parents are probably still in as much shock as I am, but it will pass…. at some point…. I hope….

There’s so much sly digging all over the place and hate in general and then throwing Mean Girls quotes in as they please and apparently the members of Paradise Fears don’t even like me…. yeah, because I bet they gossip about me to you in their free time. But this is the first time that it hasn’t put any sort of emotional strain on me. 

I guess I realize that I’m better than that, and it just comes back to the one thing - these people are children who need to grow up. Guess what? We aren’t in middle school anymore. Most of these girls are in high school, so in theory, they should get passed this stage of their life, but I’m honestly not patient enough to wait around and see if/when they do.

I’m honestly really proud of myself, though. In all honesty. At this point, there’s usually blood dripping from my arms, legs, or various other parts of me, I’m crying so much that it’s at the point where I can no longer cry silently, my parents are wondering what’s wrong but I never want to tell them because they end up wanting to call parents and getting them involved in their child’s behavior and I don’t need to deal with that…. Anyway, usually my depression and anxiety gets the best of me and it hasn’t in the slightest with this. It makes me really happy that I’m able to brush all of this off. 

• You ‘own’ a media site
• You do nothing on that site other than change the layout and … I’m making this one a separate bullet point
• You use your father to sneak you into concerts so that you can photograph them
• You’re 16, but look and act like you’re 12
• You have friends who are older than you who act the same age as you do, and it makes me question if you’ll ever mature.
• I joined your site and did about 99% of the work on it
• You refused to give me the title that I asked for and/or deserved
• I told you I was going to go into this business with or with out you
• You never changed
• I left your site
• You continued to ask me for help with your site after I left it because you realized you don’t know how to do it on your own
• You started getting bitter when I told you that I wasn’t going to help you
• You emailed PRs telling them not to let me get a photo pass or interviews
• You sabotaged my changes of getting somewhere
• I called you out of a few of these points, you get your friends to call me out on “targeting a 16 year old”

This is my dream and I will get somewhere in this business….. you doing what you’re doing probably will not. 

When I’m single: I want to fuck any guy because I’m just really horny all the time and just want to lose my virginity and get all of that shit over with

but

When I’m in a relationship: I want to take my time and have everything be perfect because who would want their first time to be less than perfect?

I finally had a friend who actually lived near me. I even got to see him at least once a week. 

I was happy, for the most part. Of course there were times that I wasn’t, but I was more happy than I was a year ago. 

Now it’s gone. 

I’m right back where I started. Alone.

Fuck.

I’m not being lazy, I don’t just not want to go…

It’s mainly two things.

1) It’s a really weird shift for me. I never work until close, so I’m not really all that used to it.

2) Damien fucking hates me and I would rather not have to put up with that for 5 fucking hours, but thanks for the offer.

On the bright side, I don’t have to deal with Ivo today! WEEEE

So I’m going to try again…. but not just with you - with everyone.

Let the test begin, and let’s see who my real friends are.